Why I Can Never Live Alone, Reason No. 372
After hosting a brunch on Sunday that involved 20 bottles of sparkling wine, several rotations of the Jingle Dogs album, and a fully cooked but not-quite-heated glazed ham, our apartment was in desperate need of a thorough cleaning. So I came home Tuesday night, filled a spray bottle with undiluted Clorox bleach, and began scrubbing the shit out of our floor.
Five minutes later, I stumbled out of the kitchen and collapsed onto my bed with my eyes burning and my lungs feeling as if they were filled with broken glass. Apparently, one is supposed to cut each cup of bleach with a GALLON of water, which I didn't do, because NO ONE TELLS ME THESE THINGS. Oh, well. I'm not sure how many brain cells I destroyed tonight, but at least my kitchen floor is clean.
I'm surprised I haven't confused a can of Scrubbing Bubbles for hairspray or wiped my ass with a Mr. Clean Multi-Surface Wipe. Agatha should probably child-proof the cabinets or something.
Comments
This gives a whole new sense of urgency to the five second rule.
Posted by: Dunkee Hotay | December 5, 2007 12:54 AM
You get clean and high - at the same time.
Posted by: Steven. | December 5, 2007 01:23 AM
....or whacked off with Liquid Comet....
Posted by: Terri Terriyaki | December 5, 2007 04:59 AM
that has totally happened to me before..swear! i was cleaning the shit out of our bathroom and realized i was dizzy. come to find out, i shouldnt have just been pouring tons of bleach into the bath tub...u must dilute with water. oops!
Posted by: kristin cavallari | December 5, 2007 08:11 AM
At least you knew enough not to mix with windex. Although, maybe you're as curious as I about the "bleach + ammonia" noxious gray gas.
Posted by: cj | December 5, 2007 09:38 AM
Wait, don't you have older siblings? This is what I use mine for.
Posted by: Frontier Psychiatrist | December 5, 2007 09:56 AM
Thanks again for the delicious cup(s) of ham!
Also -- I'd like to apologize to anyone I congratulated on their poops.
Posted by: Terri | December 5, 2007 10:56 AM
I never knew you were supposed to dilute the bleach - i learn something new everyday.
unless i want to get high of course. then, well, there it is.
Posted by: Jake | December 5, 2007 11:08 AM
Not another 2 girls 1 cup party. Bleeech!
Posted by: Aaron | December 5, 2007 11:09 AM
Yes, I love it. You're cleaning "old school." Bleach is the best, it's good for two things: cleaning and killing. It's the best cleaner in the world and it's CHEAP! I use it full strenght all the time (hmmm....). IN a house where I used to live, we'd get roaches sometimes. I was told if you pour bleach down the drains and your toilet, it keeps the cockroaches from getting in that way.
I hope you enjoyed todays helpful hint from "Ghetto Living." Tomorrow, I'll show you how a tire iron is also a self-desense mechanism.
Posted by: Alfonzo | December 5, 2007 12:03 PM
If you mix Clorox with butter, paprika, and a two liter bottle of Diet Coke, MacGyver can make a bomb out of it.
Posted by: RJ | December 5, 2007 01:46 PM
Gee, I wonder what would happen if you mixed Clorox with Splenda?
Posted by: Wiseass Craig | December 5, 2007 05:45 PM
next time add a little ammonia--those floors will positively glisten
Posted by: mkf | December 6, 2007 02:30 AM
you do know that was a joke, right?
Posted by: mkf | December 6, 2007 04:08 AM
Oooh... bleach. My grandma used it to clean nearly everything... clothes, floors, dish drainers even. Diluted, of course. :P
Posted by: outofctrl | December 6, 2007 04:12 AM
FYI, a cup to a gallon is good for cleaning. If you're looking to sterilize, then you want a 10% solution, which kills anything. The 10% bleach solution is very useful for cleaning sex toys. It's handy to keep the solution in a spray bottle. In your case, having it premade and accessible might be asking for trouble, but maybe you can put one of those Mr. Yuk stickers on the bottle.
Posted by: TED | December 6, 2007 12:24 PM
Don't forget to check the clothes you wore that day. I'll bet you got some bleach stains, especially where you touched your crotch 47 times.
Posted by: Lavender Lounge Blog | December 6, 2007 04:00 PM
Glory... I just buy the already diluted bleach cleaner in a spray bottle.
Posted by: Brandon | December 6, 2007 07:31 PM
I like the fact that all of the ads served up on this post are now for cleaning supplies.
Posted by: RJ | December 6, 2007 08:01 PM
Due to a boyfriend I had who had the bleach fetish, I now consider bleach use a psychiatric symptom. This is OCD without doubt. I wonder what your floor actually looks like now. I'm betting its surface is going or already gone. And then there will be the bleach stains in the clothes you were wearing.
With body dysmorphia, alcoholism, and now confirmed OCD, an SSRI might be appropriate. Ask your doctor.
:{)
Posted by: Dan Farrell Davis | December 6, 2007 09:37 PM
Let the maid do it!
Posted by: rich bitch | December 6, 2007 09:38 PM
At least you didn't make the concoction I did several years back when cleaning the bathroom, I mixed ammonia with bleach. Almost passed out from the fumes. Big no no!
Posted by: Dan | December 10, 2007 09:32 AM
Read the bottle, Einstein.
Posted by: Blaaaaaaaaaaaaa | December 29, 2007 08:43 PM