Happiness in a hidden corner

I am in the library, reading a book on Japan for tomorrow's politics class. In a chapter on the role of women in Japense society, the author cites a story of a young girl on a city street who tries not to step on the cracks in the sidewalk, 'which is made to stand for the social grid into which everyone in modern Japan is expected to fit.' The parallel to my life as a gay male is obvious: I am part of this community, of this culture -- certainly not by choice, though I have accepted it -- with a prefab set of standards, expectations, rules and regulations that do not necessarily match up to my needs as an individual. The excerpt continues below.

As she attempted to keep off the cracks that didn't match her natural stride, with every step the child's body recognized the lack of love in a world absolutely indifferent to her -- a lack of love she couldn't accept, nor adapt to, in any way. What she was actually doing now was probing the source of all those hurts that for some reason had steadily become part of her life, day by day, since the very first time her needs -- for a hug, for a suck of the breast -- had gone unmet.

Bottom of the barrel

Sometimes I wonder if I am a huge bottom simply because I'm lazy or because I don't feel sufficiently empowered to take on an aggressive role in a sexual relationship. More times than not, I think it is because of the latter.

Dreams I had last night

1. Goldie Hawn was threatening me with a disposable razor. I kept trying to deflect her advances, but the razor was sharp and Goldie was persistent. Possible connection to reality: Goldie graduated from my university, and I read recently that she lost her virginity in my dorm. Also, I bought razors at Target last weekend with the guy I am sort of seeing.

2. I am driving through the countryside in a white car (presumably in England, since I am seated on the right). I flick the ash of a cigarette out the window, and when I inhale, I am as relaxed as I have been in months. I breathe in the wind and the green grass and the trees and the smoke, and everything is peaceful. Possible connection to reality: I smoked a joint in my friend's car the other night. Also, I sometimes smoke cigs when I'm stressed.

3. I am making out with the guy I am sort of seeing, and he starts to go down on me, and I really don't want him to, but he does anyway, and in 10 seconds, he orgasms, and I'm like, 'You came already?' And he says yes. So I just forget the whole thing and leave the room. And I feel really dirty and also somewhat guilty. And then his apartment starts flooding, and I don't know what to do, and I'm afraid he is going to get mad at me. I don't know how the dream ends. Possible connection to reality: I was sleeping in his arms at the time. Also, while making out with him that night, he wanted to go a little bit beyond making out, and I didn't want to, and now I just feel stupid and prude for not doing more.

4. I am walking with my ex-boyfriend, and he tells me randomly that he is dating my friend, and I become insanely jealous and sad and pissed off. Possible connection to reality: I'm still in love with him.

C'est la vie

I had a dream about my ex-boyfriend the other night. I think my subconscious is still in love with him. How can I get myself into a relationship when I'm still dwelling on one that ended months ago?

I am very depressed today. I feel like sitting in my room, listening to sad songs, and crying. But I cannot do this. There is work to be done. I need to get my ass to the library. I am going to be there for hours.

How can things be going so well and yet suck so much at the same time?

Yayayay

I have some really great news! I have been hired for the summer by one of the largest news media empires in the world! And it's paid! A lot! And I'm going to live in an apartment in downtown DC! Yay! Ahhhh! How am I so lucky?

Gimme some Mo

My school just hosted a 'Freedom Forum' panel with five news journalists, including Mo Rocca from The Daily Show on Comedy Central. Half way through the panel, the host (who happens to be my professor) said, 'Let's put a student on the spot to hear an opinion from the audience.' And guess who that student happened to be? Me, of course. I sounded like a total idiot. The local NPR station is broadcasting it tonight, and I'm sure it is archived somewhere on its web site -- but there is no way in hell that I'm tell you the URL!

PS Another panelist was some VP from MTV. He is so hot, I'm in love.

Fake and Bake, again

I managed to recover the Fake Tan entry. Aren't I the best?

Fine, my tan is not real. I will openly admit to that. No, I did not go anywhere on spring break. I went home to New York, where it is cold and decidedly unsunny. Yes, this means I have gone to a tanning salon. But NO, this does not mean you can ask me in front of large groups of people if my tan is real. THAT IS NOT OK.

I say this because this girl criticized my tan while we were riding a packed bus back to campus. While sitting in my seat, minding my own damn business, this girl clutching a horrible Burberry knockoff tote says, 'Hey, Toby! Wow, where did you go on spring break?' And so I say, 'I went home to New York.' And she says, 'Really? You look so tan!' And I say, 'Do I? Thanks.' And she continues, 'So how did you get tan?' And I go, 'Er, I'm Italian, so I usually have a dark complexion, but sometimes I go tanning...'

AND THE BITCH ACTUALLY GOES: 'To a tanning salon??? That's sort of weird. I mean, guys don't usually go to tanning salons do they?'

I couldn't believe she was doing this. Everyone on the bus was overhearing our conversation. I seriously wanted to kill the whore.

'So is your tan real?' she finally asks.

'Yes,' I reply. 'About as real as that fake Burberry bag of yours.'

Stupid pale cunt. Please die.

I'm back!

I'm sorry for disappearing. Greymatter had fucked up my archives, and I think I lost the entry about the girl who criticized my fake tan. Sorry!

So it looks like I might be interning for a major news organization this summer. It pays $500 a week! Cross your fingers for me. I really need this job!

Things with the boy are going really well. We are going out for dinner this Saturday with some of his friends. I'm going really slow with this. I want to make things last through the summer -- or at least until my birthday at the end of April. Just kidding. :D

Also: I've smoked up every night for the past week. Somehow I continue to wake up at 8:30 a.m. I am pulling an all-nighter tonight, so I'm prepared to crash tomorrow.

This entry was retarded. Sorry. It's been so long that I've forgotten how to write.

Wheels

I saw a homeless man in a wheelchair last night on Dupont Circle. He was pushing himself backwards on the wheelchair... USING HIS FEET. That is all.

All up in da club

Once again, the LiveJournal

I had a civil AIM conversation with my ex-boyfriend a few days ago regarding his LiveJournal. I told him that it hurt my feelings when he depicted me as a whore in his journal, and I also warned him that linking to his theatrical, over-the-top LiveJournal in his AIM profile wasn't such a hot idea. I was as sincere as humanly possible, but I got the feeling that he wasn't taking me seriously. The whole time, I felt like I was talking to some stranger -- not someone I've known since high school.

To prove my point, he wrote about me again. I'm assuming this will be the last time he mentioned me because I do not plan on IMing him or speaking with him ever again. So consider this the last time I mention his LiveJournal -- for real, this time.

Enjoy.

At some point you guys will have to remind me to talk about my latest exposure to my ex. For over two years now this joke of a person has been continually regaining access to my life and I can’t seem to evade him. Although, his unwelcome intrusions have served several intoxicatingly humorous moments.

God, how do I manage to date such love, heartwarming boys? Argh.

The music's no good without you

I have been talking to that guy on AIM since our dinner at Outback. We are both going to the club tonight, so hopefully I'll get to dance with him. :D I want to go slow, though -- no being a whore on the dance floor, no making out with him in a crowd. I'm not in the mood for a hookup, so I'm just going to pursue a relationship. Sure, maybe he's not the relationship type, but I am. We'll see what happens.

The other night -- when I smoked a joint in the quad -- I went back to my room and started making out with my friend. Things got sort of heavy and he took off my pants. I stopped and told him that we shouldn't continue hooking up like this. He left the room and I went to bed...

Well.

It turns out that a few hours earlier, he gave a blow job to this guy HE JUST MET ON THE SHUTTLE BUS. And after he left my room, he went to that guy's room looking for MORE ass. And then the next night, he comes home with some boy from a club! ARGHGHGHGHGH.

Anyway, I'm over it. Tonight I'll have fun. Hopefully. Arghghg, I hope I don't fuck it up.

No rules, just right

I just spent $23 at Outback, but it was worth it because one of the boys I ate with is SO DAMN CUTE. Ahhhhhhhhh, so cute. Hee. :D

Nothing good can come from a LiveJournal

Back in Washington, friends. I smoked a joint on the quad last night. It was quite possibly the most liberating experience of my life -- to just sit on a bench, stare up at the stars, enjoy the mild breeze, and smoke a phatty.

So my ex-boyfriend mentioned me again in his LiveJournal. This is the last time I am posting an excerpt of his journal into an entry. So enjoy.

Preceding the following selection was the AIM convo I had with him about how I don't appreciate being mocked in his LiveJournal, how I don't like the way he explicitly documents his sex life, etc.

Well, as much as I appreciate his opinion (go here: http://m-w.com/ for the most precise and up-to-date definition of sarcasm), mea culpa, but I don’t think such a puerile PMS ridden rant was necessary. I don’t remember ever abrading him about his selfish, high risk, uncontrolled sex and drug abuse or the fact that he paraded it in a public forum similar to mine for 2 years. I honestly don’t get what his deal is, though I naturally have a few theories. The greatest thing though is that he probably actually anticipates that I would have the respect and decency not to write more about him or my sexual encounters in livejournal, knowing full well that he is going to read this, but au contraire mon amie. Seeing as how I’ve “been reduced to the same standards as other gay guys” I somehow don’t seem to have the maturity or grace to avoid being crass.

He then goes on to describe a recent fuck session with his Mexican boyfriend. Someone posted a comment that read 'It's obvious that you are still in love with your ex' -- and by someone, I mean me. This was his reply:

This is an interesting theory. Now let us examine all of the ways in which it is wrong.

1) While I admit that at some point I did think that I loved said ex-boyfriend, I eventually came to the realization that I actually loved some figment of my imagination that was in the image of the guy I dated our first summer together and not the real person that he had morphed into after his first year at college. (Many descriptive adjectives could be employed here to qualify this statement, but would only serve the purpose of fanning flames).

Well, I guess only one counter point was really necessary to debunk that flawed analysis of our relationship. I will thank you, whoever posted this comment, to get your head out of the sand, or if it is Toby, out of some stranger's ass, and take a step down off of that pedestal that you find so warm and comfortable.

I also recall a little snippet regarding not wanting "anything to do with this", and "bowing out;" well apparently your endeavor to be the bigger man was too heavy a burden and you collapsed under the pressure -- that only begs the question of who had a greater affect on whom?

In any case, Toby, I did appreciate our short lived time together, and I am not in the custom of burning bridges. I mean you no ill will and maybe we'll even manage to grab a bite at the Ridge some time. But in the mean time, while you are out there berating me with insults and defaming my name to everyone that you know, take a second to reflect on who is being more foolish and pathetic. Most people in my camp certainly don't reckon that I meet the criteria for this.

Defaming his name to everyone I know? Excuse me? WHAT IS GOING ON.

Full frontal

So my website is the number 10 search result for 'painful anal screaming.' Ironically, the phrase is from a portion of my ex-boyfriend's LiveJournal that I pasted into an entry.

Tomorrow I return to Washington. I plan on having my hair cut, visiting the tanning salon, purchasing a jug of sangria and watching a DVD. The evening may or may not involve meeting a man from the Internet. And I say 'man' because he is 34-years-old. I don't want to think about it, therefore I don't want to write about it. I just want to improvise. The end.

I watched 'Full Frontal' last night. I related to Catherine Keener's character -- she felt that the world has been and always will be against her, and so she works herself to death without ever allowing herself to feel happy. I also watched 'Igby Goes Down' -- Claire Danes' character smokes cloves, and I thought that was really cool.

If only I could combine Catherine Keener with Claire Danes. But you're right, Agatha -- it's too bad these people don't exist in real life.

Boy, is he stuffed!

This is probably the worst weblog I have ever come across in my entire life. If 2xist briefs stuffed with socks turns you on, then check out his gallery.

This guy is not only a flagrant narcissist, but he is also gay and extremely religious. Gay guys that are extremely religious or Republican or any combination thereof do so only out of moral vindication. And don't try to convince me otherwise.

From da Bronx!

I visited my friend in the Bronx this afternoon. We smoked a small bowl in my car but didn't get nearly as high as I had hoped. Later on, we went to the most ghetto Applebee's to celebrate her roommate's birthday. I swear, the majority of the patrons looked as though they should have been in the kitchen, washing dishes.

Tomorrow, I am waking up at 8 a.m. to slap together some more cover letter/resume combos. I want a good summer internship so badly! I know I swore last summer to never live at home again, but it would be worth the torture just to work in NYC. Imagine me, little ol' Toby, hitting the streets with the reporters of the Village Voice, even MAXIM! It would be a dream come true.

PS I watched 'Donnie Darko' today. Anyone else in love with jake Ghyllenhalaldflaerear or whatever his name is?

The Crucible, indeed

I'm back at home in New York. With nothing better to do, I visited my old high school and watched a performance of the spring drama, 'The Crucible.' Needless to say, the experience was insufferable. When they wheeled out the noose, I exhaled a sigh of relief as I considered getting up on stage and using the damned thing myself.

The entire cast screamed their way through 2 and one-half hours of slurred, mumbled and butchered dialogue. At one point, the cacophony reached such an alarming decibel that I begged for the actors to be shot with tranquilizer guns. Alas, this did not happen, but I survived to tell the tale nonetheless.

Tomorrow I am visiting my friend in the city, and we will get high. Rejoice.

Four hours of sleep in two days

In the past 48 hours, I have had four hours of sleep. My train departs for New York in less than three hours. It is currently 8:30 in the morning.

Of course, I had a damned good reason to stay up all night: summer internships. Cover letters needed to be written. Contacts needed to be obtained. My resume needed to be tweaked. And, alas, the major grunt work is out of the way. So far, I have sent resumes to various magazines and news outlets in Washington and New York. I'm pretty proud of myself. I pulled it all together in a day.

During my midterm earlier today (or was it yesterday?) this uber-annoying booger had gathered itself on the tip of my nose. All efforts to abort the booger were futile. It was quite possibly the most distracting thing in all the world EVER.

Resumes for Dummies

PERSONAL WEBLOGGER

Various URLs (July 2001-present)

- Composed daily entries and original content that took a humorous, creative, and insightful approach to gay society, current events, and personal experiences

- Designed a personal web site with a slick, polished, and professional layout that incorporated Greymatter weblogging software

- Attracted on average 200-300 unique visitors a day

- Mentioned in XY magazine as one of five recommended “gay blogs”

Clearly, my resume is more padded than a sixth grader's bra. Do you think anyone will hire me for a summer internship with this crap?

Yea, I had to google 'Vivian Ward' too

About my ex-boyfriend's LiveJournal. It gets even better. Oh yea. In the following excerpt, he makes liberal and unflattering references to me and my erstwhile weblog. Read on.

'I went online to speak to no other than my ex-boyfriend. These quick exchanges of ours are always a ball, especially when one or both of us is intoxicated, and while it was a fastidious conversation, it ended in my skimming through of his blog to catch up on his life over the last month (we haven't really spoken since the break up). Much to my chagrin, apparently he has become more of a self proclaimed drug addled slut that blacks out at least twice every week, partakes in orgies and frivilous sexual escapades, and considers a successful evening one where he remembers getting (or more appropriately, giving) ass and not getting an infection on his new body piercing (I'll let the inquiring mind figure out where it is). Fabulous!'

He also goes on to compare me unfavorably to Vivian Ward.

For the love of God, if I ever start to write this way about ex-boyfriends, or detail explicit sexual encounters, or use the word 'chagrin,' please smack the living shit out of me.

Sniffy coughy

I have developed a very nasty cold. I'm sniffly during the day and coughy at night. I just had a coughing fit that resulted in a spray of projectile spittle dotting the face of my computer monitor. Far too tired to reach for a tissue, I just wiped the specks of spit away with my finger. Now my monitor is covered in streaks of grimy smudges. This wonderful evening will undoubtedly stretch into the wee hours of the morning, seeing as how I have assloads of work to do. Joy.

Like a virgin?

So my ex-boyfriend now has a LiveJournal in which he details his wild sex adventures with ethnic minorities in tanning salons, among other places. As of one month ago, he was a naive virgin. I am not sure how or when his perverted transubstantiation into a nymphomaniac transpired. All I know is that I'm slightly saddened by it all.

Is he reporting factual and unbiased documentations of his sexual escapades or merely refining his talent as a trashy romance novelist? Decide for yourself -- here are two excerpts:

'More screaming, crying, mumbling, humming, howling, purring, buzzing, groaning, panting, and other bustling sounds were invoked than could be heard at a burlesque hall. We did just about everything two strapping, energetic, sexual males with stamina could do, and we did these things multiple times. After we were both pleasured and satisfied, we showered, and did it all again...'

'Paco and I yesterday decided that fucking like bunnies on a bed, shortly beforehand covered in sweat, dead skin cells, and oils, was too clean and probably due to the subliminal programming of our patriarchal heterosexist world of purity, morality, and denial of self pleasure. In response, we went forward and let loose on the floor of this same vain establishment. We made out, undressed, sucked, pumped, fucked, licked, jerked, squeezed, rubbed, ate, played with, touched, bit, pulled, rolled, looked at, smelled, caressed, penetrated, massaged, aroused, and tainted, with, on, around, on top of, below, between, beside, aboard, about, above, across, after, against, and so on and so forth with all 70 some prepositions each other...'

Lovely. Just plain fucking lovely. Or dare I say, admirable, adorable, agreeable, alluring, amiable, attractive, beauteous, bewitching, captivating, charming, comely, dainty, delectable, delicate, delicious, delightful, dishy, drop-dead gorgeous, enchanting, engaging, engaging, enjoyable, exquisite, exquisite, fair, foxy, good-looking, graceful, gratifying, handsome, knockout, lovesome, mink, nice, nice, picture, pleasant, pleasing, pretty, pulchritudinous, rare, scrumptious, splendid, stunning, sweet, sweet, whistle bait, or winning.

om hahah

omg i am so drunk ahaaahaha i had the besttime tonight this guy i am in love with made out with this girl I AM S PISSED aghghghghgg peace out nigs

Stress stinks, beer works

I'm having a really shitty day. I am so stressed about everything: not getting the RA job; my up-in-the-air summer plans; the fact that I will have to pay for housing next semester; having to get a new roommate; it goes on and on and on...

I am drinking tonight. I'm sure I will have interesting stories to share tomorrow.