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Jordan Stephens is an eighth-grader at Huntsville Middle School, and he's got something to say about Britney Spears!
Spears may think that she is a role model for thousands of people around the world. ... That is not correct.
One set of my grandparents is coming up on their 65th wedding anniversary later this year. The other set has been married for 52 years. My parents have been married for 17 years. ...
Spears is no role model for marriage or for me. I’ll take my parents and grandparents any day.
Well, then.
No offense, kid, but my mother is an overbearing witch, my dad is distant and emotionally inaccessible, and my grandparents are dead. I'm sorry, but Britney — depraved heathen or not — is looking pretty damn good right now.
» Valley Teen Sounds Off On Singer Britney Spears [NewsChannel 19]
Though it wasn't meant to be distributed in the U.S., her commercial, which also stars Beyonce, Pink and Enrique Iglesias, can be downloaded here and here.
Personal Postscript: It really, really blows. A total waste of brass-bolted breastplates, bitches and benjamins.
» Pepsi Music: Britney Spears Gallery [pepsi.co.uk]
The latest Britney news, because, secretly, you care:
» Computer geek Bert Yukich on the shitload of 3D animation and special effects needed for the "Toxic" music video: "'We essentially worked around the clock for three weeks,' Yukich noted. 'I think we went through $1,000 in energy drinks.' Fortunately, none of those drinks were 'toxic.'" Har har. [MVWire]
» Christina Aguilera on the MTV VMA's kiss: "I was up for kissing Britney, but Britney wasn't." And on casual sex: "I love casual sex." And on her clit piercing: "I've had plenty of nice compliments about it." Whore! [Ananova]
» Britney will be starring in a movie about "an ambitious teenage beauty who leaves Michigan to become an actress in Los Angeles." Whore! [Ananova]
» Some pics of Britney, Madonna and Beyonce (amen!) at the NJR Awards. The picture above reinforces the fact that latex looks good only on my weewee while we're doing the no-no naughty tango. [Volumized]
Ride, young Valkyrie! Ride!
No, this isn't a still from the music video of Britney's latest single, "Me Against The Germanic Tribes." She'll be featured as a Roman gladiator in a new Pepsi ad, along with Beyonce, Pink and Enrique Iglesias. Seriously!
Director Tarsem Singh won numerous awards for directing R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion" video. He can also be blamed for J. Lo's "The Cell."
» Girls Of The New Pepsi Ads [Stereogum]
» Britney, Beyonce and Pink go Roman [Ananova]
After her disappointing video for “Me Against The Music” – which featured inexplicable product placement for Sbarro and an equally strange goose chase with Madonna through a maze of Venetian blinds – Britney Spears convinced critics (including this one) that the end of her Top 40 reign was nearing. In a matter of months, the warbling schoolgirl would fade into obscurity, her once ubiquitous name now only a sad, nostalgic reference on VH1 game shows.
Fortunately, the 55 hours Spears spent as a loyal, devoted wife in Las Vegas must have refreshed her waning creative brilliance, because the newly released video for “Toxic” is as cool, polished and intoxicating as a chilled can of Sapporo. Just one glimpse of the bedazzled Britney (in one scene, she wears nothing but pasted-on diamonds), and “Crossroads” becomes a distant, effectively repressed memory.
At the start of the single’s spastic string accompaniment, the viewer boards a sexed-up passenger jet (Virgin Atlantic it ain’t) to find Stewardess Spears shaking her uniformed ass in coach class. Our heroine proceeds to lure an enamored passenger to the plane’s cramped bathroom, where she retrieves a presumably poisonous vial of liquid (but not without enrolling in the Mile High Club first). After three minutes and 21 seconds of James Bond-ish antics, Britney envenoms her ill-fated ex-boyfriend – essentially a more handsome, less ghetto, de-afroed version of Justin Timberlake. It’s a great plot. Seriously!
Complimenting the video are frequent and forgivably unnecessary costume changes. First, there’s the naughty stewardess get-up that screams “sexual harassment in the workplace.” Then there’s that aforementioned diamond “outfit.” And don’t forget the requisite latex catsuit, made only more bizarre by a red wig of flowing synthetic fiber. Again, these costumes are cool. No, really!
As far as music videos go, “Toxic” is good stuff. Doubt it? Just wait – thanks to Britney’s eternal appeal, 69-ing in 747s and poisoning former flames will soon be all the rage!
» "Toxic" music video stills [UKBritney.tv]
If anyone cares to know of such things, The AtaRiS, those fabulous boys did a remake of some asshole's song "Boys of SuMmEr", performed at mah school and apparently they got drunk and messed up the dressing room and then proceeded to perform intoxicated, rambling incoherently. Those knaves! Actually I would have done the same thing so yea I guess they are cool.
God damn it it is so fucking hard to type while listening to the new Britney CD. And does anyone listen to the MOANING in every song? OK, want to trip your mind? Listen to 'Outrageous' REALLY LOUD on your headphones; during the chorus, the baseline will make you think your cell phone is on a flat surface, vibrating. FREAKY.
While listening to 'In The Zone', forget about the Britney in eyeliner and hair extensions. Imaging THIS Britney!!! It is simply impossible to listen to. I'm thinking of her that way now -- augh, the only thing missing from that picture is hair curlers and about 10 years of aging. Shit.
'Outrageous' is the only song on the album that fades away to a close. R. Kelly -- what a lazy fuck.
My fav song has GOT to be 'Touch of My Hand.' The opening is just so sexy. And the rest seems sensual yet sincere. The image of Britney wacking off is a nice bonus.
The baseline to 'Touch Of My Hand' sounds SUSPICIOUSLY like the riff to Bee Gee's 'Stayin' Alive.' Ok, maybe not.
On her first album, when they turned some of her lines into that annoying robot-esque computer-generated voice, it sounded like she was on the phone, calling her parents and saying that if they didn't give her kidnapped $100,000, she was going to die. Now it sounds like she is on the phone as a phone sex operator.
'The Hook Up' is a fuckin' awesome track. Exploiting the culture of inconsequential minorities RULEZ. Rock steady, mon!!
I wonder if Britney Spears hates black people. After all, she is from the South. Well, if that is the case, she better shape up; that bitch should be kissing black peoples' asses! Or at least Hatian asses.
OH MAN, I love 'The Hook Up' when it gets to 2:20. Her voice is so scrambled, I LOVE IT. And they actually make her sound Haitian. Remember when Alicia Silverstone said "Hate-ians!" in that movie "As If." Lol, that cracked my shit up. Oh fuck, the movie was called "Clueless." Duh.
Ah, 'Shadow' is on. This is a good point into the CD in which one can take a short break, perhaps get a snack, or use the bathroom. This song is good, but if you missed 30 seconds of it, you wouldn't really give a shit.
Actually, I have a personal connection to the song 'Shadow' so I like to listen to the whole thing.
Haha remember when Britney sang that song "Not a girl Not yet a woman" lol that was such bullshit.
Oh, someone cued the Baptist choir in the background! I was afraid they were going to forget!!
"Shadow" is over, praise be.
"Brave New Girl" is such a ripoff of Garbage's "Cherry Lips", I hate it.
Secretly I like it! lol
Oh my god, does she really sing 'My M.O.'s changed"?! Lol she is such a presumptuous witch.
Augh I need to lay down.
No I am definitely NOT high lol.
I wrote a review of Britney's new CD for our school paper. Things you should know before reading it: Thomas Hall is a dorm on campus, and Phi Sig Sig is a slutty sorority.
Britney Spears
"In The Zone"
(Jive Records)
Despite releasing a bevy of albums after her 1999 debut album, "...Baby One More Time," it's been hard to shake off that inaugural image of Britney Spears slutting it up in a Catholic school girl uniform. Fortunately -- or perhaps disturbingly -- "In The Zone" presents Ms. Spears outside of her plaid skirt and into something a little more kinky. Namely, masturbation.
That's right, kids. "Touch Of My Hand" -- unarguably the most sensual track on this pop-tart's latest album -- is all about Britney being caught red-handed (or perhaps red-dildoed?) in a self-indulgent reverie. One can only imagine the brainstorming session that took place between an apparently horned-up Spears and the three other writers who penned the song. Though it's an exquisitely produced track, the entire album is a clear indictment of one fact: Britney needs to get laid. And fast!
OK, so perhaps recording a song devoted entirely to "clicking the mouse" is going a step too far -- but who on this campus is honestly satisfied with his or her sex life? The degree to which this campus will relate to "In The Zone" is truly astounding. Take, for instance, the track "Early Mornin'," on which Britney laments a misconceived drunken hookup. "Got drunk 'til the break of dawn, hooked up with a guy named Joe, passed out on the couch," she sings, almost matter-of-factly. (At this very moment, you know that girl who passed out in a Thomas Hall lounge is heading over to Borders to buy this album!)
Once interesting only to high school girls and -- secretly -- your dad, Britney Spears has finally produced an album that any sexually active, vaguely alcoholic college student can relate to. She might as well get it over with and join Phi Sig Sig.
The video for "Me Against the Music" takes place in what appears to be a really bad dance club with inexplicably themed rooms. A room filled with leaves? A room with an abandoned bed frame? A room with "urban" 1980s nostalgic graffiti sprayed onto wall? This is the last time James Joyce is allowed to design a sound stage. There is no place for extended metaphor and symbolism in music videos!
Britney and Madonna romp through the club, occasionally pausing to flagellate bystanders with her hair extentions or dazzle us with a predictable yoga pose, respectively. Britney looks hot, but her hairstyle is no different than those of former music videos. Yup, you guessed it -- a grungy platinum 'do scrunched together with an obvious weave. Someone should tell her to quit snapping her neck and flipping her hair at every opportunity -- she looks like she's having a seizure. Quick, someone get the girl a wooden spoon!
Anyway, the girls chase each other around, only to conclude their journey with a would-be kiss -- too bad Madonna disipates before Britney gets the chance to lock lips! Man, that would have been so scandalous. Can you imagine it? Two girls kissing! I can't think of anything more controversial. Except for maybe Britney giving Christina Aguilera head while Madonna pours goat's blood over their naked bodies. They're probably saving that for the Grammys.
All in all, the video is very disappointing. It appears Britney is through with ripping off Janet Jackson and Madonna, and is now ripping off herself. Dance moves from 'Crazy' + wardrobe from 'Overprotective' + vaguely Oriental set from 'Slave 4 U' + hair style and eyeliner from any Britney video ever = 'Me Against the Music.' How anticlimatic indeed.
Though the video sucks, it boosts her debut sales by a smidge, if only due to increased exposure. Have you guys seen the coverage she gets on CNN? Insane. Currently, I predict her debut sales at 500,000 -- up from 430,000.
Next time: Promotional materials for "In The Zone"!
Let's be honest, kids: Britney Spears is entirely unworthy of any media attention whatsoever. Her experiments with studio recording are blatantly plagiarized and, at this point, tedious. Opportunities for "live" performances are conspicuously (but nonetheless wisely) discarded. And as a dancer, Britney fails to impress anyone who stopped caring after "Forever Your Girl."
Yet, despite all of her faults, I am SO FUCKING PSYCHED ABOUT HER NEW ALBUM!!
"In The Zone" drops Tuesday, November 18. You can bet your mother's holiday ham I'll be the first online! Not at Tower Records, dumb ass. I'll be the first online to download her shit, free of charge!
RIAA violations aside, I have high hopes for Britney's latest stab at cardiopulmonary career resuscitation. "Oops!... I Did It Again" was a phenomenal album that spawned at least one decent hit (and a thousand obvious puns). Admittedly, her last release, "Britney", had the depth (and acridity) of a public kiddie pool, but still! In the world of music and also California politics, anything can happen.
Which is why I present to you... BRITNEYWATCH 2003. Over the next few weeks, I will monitor Miss Spears closely, using my observations to project an educated estimate of album sales for "In The Zone." Anything can affect the estimate -- for example, the release of a music video, a botched interview on CNN, or unprovoked cunnilingus with Madonna. These and other public relations could work for or against her, as will be reflected in the projected estimate.
And once November 18 rolls around, we can see how close I am to the actual figures. :D
I will begin with the "control" chart, found below. The projected estimates are based upon past album sales and past album sales ONLY; all other factors (Britney's current popularity; the public's opinion of pop music; the gradual decline in album sales across the market) are presumed to be equal. Though no graphing calculator was used, I made a pretty accurate projection using the data from "Baby... One More Time", "Oops!... I Did It Again", and "Britney."
Check back soon for updates, darlings. Next issue: The Music Video!
